In order to understand the world today American politics why the Cubs never get to the Series how Windows95 works why its 2000 Flushes and not 1999 or 2001 flushes you need to realize that everything is controlled by a conspiracy coven bunch of people gaggle herd made up of the Illuminati Jews Bankers Jewish Bankers Bankers who belong to the Illuminati Jews who bank Illuminati members who marry bankers Banks located near grocery stores Illuminati members with VISA cards Marsha Clark groupies with help from Pointy-Headed Intellectuals Ivy-League Intellectuals Pointy-Headed Ivy League Intellectuals Gays Secular Humanists Pointy-Headed Secular Humanists Gay Intellectuals who have Pointy Heads people wearing glasses the Bears offensive line .

The conspiracy first started in ancient times way back when when we were on the gold standard, dammit back when men were men and sheep were nervous July 12, 1546 at 3:23:20 PM in Europe, during the Crusades America, during the Civil War California, during Michael Jackson's 2nd nose job Rome under the reign of Emperor Spatula Athens, during Synchronized Swimming in the first Olympics Lincoln, during a Nebraska game a Ramada after a Bee-Gees concert . They have been responsible for many evensts throughout history, including The French Revolution The Russian Revolution The Disco Revolution The 1984 National League playoffs The invention of the zipper the birth of Ed Asner Police Academy sequels 2 through 7 .

Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified by secret handshakes the way they watch too much Star Trek T-Shirts saying "I'm with the Conspiracy" Honk if you love OS/2 bumper stickers watching the Weather Channel 24 hours straight behaving like you were in a Burger King commercial tattoos of Elvis on their butts going to Orioles games the way they never put the toilet seat down .

They want to kill maim put the big hurt on give hangnails to cause frostbite force to attend Jets games all God-Fearing Christians True Patriots Your Family Rep. Dick Armey Rush Limbaugh George Brett The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Hootie and the Blowfish and imprison resisters in secret concentration camps front of PBS telethons North Dakota during the winter on UFOs in the Bermuda Triangle using black helicopters brightly-painted neon organge helicopters grey Chevy station wagons super-enhanced golf carts zeppelins black surplus Disneyland monorail cars 3-speed Schwinns .

In order to prepare for this, we all must stockpile lotsa weapons corner the market on Super-Soakers buy SPAM by the gross blow up as many large buildings as possible send death threats to Margaret Thatcher watch re-runs of Mork and Mindy join the militia and play paintball all day . Since the media is controlled by liberals gays secular humanists Morely Safer Dick Clark Lee Iacocca Ed the talking Mule we should get our information from American Spectator Guns and Ammo magazine Charlton Heston Rush Crazy!, the magazine for the Lunatic Fringe Assault Rifles Illustrated the secret messages only I can hear