Conservative Republican Action Patrol

The Konservative Komics of Kansas (K.K.K.) group is proud to introduce The Conservative Republican Action Patrol (C.R.A.P.). Join us in our monthly adventures as C.R.A.P. takes on the evil Liberal High Priestess Hillary and her White House Gang.

The C.R.A.P. Pledge of Honor
"I pledge to comfort the comfortable and afflict the afflicted,
stand for the rights of oppressed white males, persecuted Christians,
and the common millionaire; fight against compassion in all its forms,
and to battle for what Rush says is the truth, just us, and the Republican way.

Each member of C.R.A.P. has a secret superpower that will help them in ridding the world of liberals and making America safe for rich white Republicans! Let's learn about the few, the elite, the superheroes who make up C.R.A.P....

NewtMan: This caped crusader's special weapon is the Cretinizer, which can spout 3rd-wave cyber-goop empowerment nonsense so fast it will make an enemy die of either boredom or laughter. The source of his extraordinary powers are secret book slush fund. His weakness is exposure in the press...too much of this and he will self-destruct.

Ranch-Dude: With his lightning-fast lobbyists and trusty equine companion "Hip-O-Krit" Ranch-Due saddles up and rides whenever C.R.A.P. calls. Quick to fight for freedom from the Evil Federals even as he suckles up to their generous teet, Ranch-Dude leads the way.

Slayer of Trees: This mighty superhero can smite acres of old-growth forest with one fell swoop. His secret powers are the result of being dropped on his head as a boy. His arch-nemesis is Commander Gore of the Liberal Forces.

Greenback: This superhero was one of the founding members of C.R.A.P. and can destroy entire communities with one sweep of his mighty pen. His strength comes from stock options, and his only point of weakness is his back pocket. Only a well-timed grab in this spot by one of his enemies can defeat the great Greenback.

Commander Stupor: Known to his closest friends as Robert Dole, Commander Stupor is known for being a bold dresser and dashing ladies' man. He recently traded in his day job to become a full-time member of C.R.A.P. out to fight the Liberals wherever they may be. His secret weapon is his Stupor-Ray, which makes the victim die of boredom.

Menthol Man: Wielding a six-shooter in one holster, and a pack of Luckies in the other, boldy avenging oppressed smokers and tobacco companies everywhere, it is Menthol Man! Always quick with a light, or a wad of cash for a Congressional "friend", Menthol Man rides high in the saddle. Menthol Man's secret weapon, his powerful breath, can fell dozens of opponents, leaving them wretching on the ground from his secondhand smoke. His only weakness is a hacking early-morning cough and yellow teeth.

The Arsenal: Acting as the official C.R.A.P. liason with the NRA, The Arsenal is a walking mass of destruction. Half-human, half-cyborg, Arsenal carries enough firepower to kill hundreds of schoolchildren, commuters, and tourists in one fell swoop. His only weakness is his arch-nemesis Brady, who has cast a spell on Arsenal which forces him to wait 5 days between each kill-spree.

Minister-Boy: Minister-Boy is the spiritual advisor to C.R.A.P., but he also packs a mighty wallop of his own. Using magic powers beyond the pale of any mortal, Minister-Boy can directly talk to God and find out what He wants. As a powerful sorcerer, Minister-Boy then can cast spells on his enemies, forcing them to worship and believe as he wants them to.

Be on the lookout for pictures and emblems of your favorite C.R.A.P. members, as well learning about new ones, such as their favorite radio host, The Human Dirigible...as well as a chance to see C.R.A.P. in action...all coming soon!

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	NewtMan: This caped crusader's special weapon is the Cretinizer, which can spout 3rd-wave cyber-goop empowerment nonsense so fast it will make an enemy die of either boredom or laughter. The source of his extraordinary powers are secret book slush fund. His weakness is exposure in the press...too much of this and he will self-destruct.
	Ranch-Dude: With his lightning-fast lobbyists and trusty equine companion "Hip-O-Krit" Ranch-Due saddles up and rides whenever C.R.A.P. calls. Quick to fight for freedom from the Evil Federals even as he suckles up to their generous teet, Ranch-Dude leads the way.
	Slayer of Trees: This mighty superhero can smite acres of old-growth forest with one fell swoop. His secret powers are the result of being dropped on his head as a boy. His arch-nemesis is Commander Gore of the Liberal Forces.
	Greenback: This superhero was one of the founding members of C.R.A.P. and can destroy entire communities with one sweep of his mighty pen. His strength comes from stock options, and his only point of weakness is his back pocket. Only a well-timed grab in this spot by one of his enemies can defeat the great Greenback.
	Commander Stupor: Known to his closest friends as Robert Dole, Commander Stupor is known for being a bold dresser and dashing ladies' man. He recently traded in his day job to become a full-time member of C.R.A.P. out to fight the Liberals wherever they may be. His secret weapon is his Stupor-Ray, which makes the victim die of boredom.
	Menthol Man: Wielding a six-shooter in one holster, and a pack of Luckies in the other, boldy avenging oppressed smokers and tobacco companies everywhere, it is Menthol Man! Always quick with a light, or a wad of cash for a Congressional "friend", Menthol Man rides high in the saddle. Menthol Man's secret weapon, his powerful breath, can fell dozens of opponents, leaving them wretching on the ground from his secondhand smoke. His only weakness is a hacking early-morning cough and yellow teeth.
	The Arsenal: Acting as the official C.R.A.P. liason with the NRA, The Arsenal is a walking mass of destruction. Half-human, half-cyborg, Arsenal carries enough firepower to kill hundreds of schoolchildren, commuters, and tourists in one fell swoop. His only weakness is his arch-nemesis Brady, who has cast a spell on Arsenal which forces him to wait 5 days between each kill-spree.
	Minister-Boy: Minister-Boy is the spiritual advisor to C.R.A.P., but he also packs a mighty wallop of his own. Using magic powers beyond the pale of any mortal, Minister-Boy can directly talk to God and find out what He wants. As a powerful sorcerer, Minister-Boy then can cast spells on his enemies, forcing them to worship and believe as he wants them to.