Chairman Jobs Hails Great Victory for Newton
Central News Service, Cupertino, People's Republic of Apple
Chairman Jobs announced today the unquestioned victory of the Newton division.
The Maximum Leader stated that because the Newton Division had been so successful in developing, marketing, and selling its wares, that as a gesture of goodwill, he will be shutting the division down. Workers formerly of the Newton division are instructed to report to the trainyards tomorrow at 0600 hours for transportation to re-education camps.
Chairman Jobs Personally Leading Interrogation of CEO Candidates
Central News Service, Cupertino, People's Republic of Apple
The News Service today announced that Chairman Jobs has decided to personally oversee the interrogation of candidates for CEO and other high-ranking positions inside the Peoples' Republic of Apple Government. Jobs is known for his excellent skill as interogator, and is looking forward to extracting information from candidates. His bold, charismatic leadership and skilled mastery of the art of interrogation have already succeeded in eliminating dozens of inferior candidates for the esteemed position in question. The Apple Executive Search Service is busily hunting down more suspects.
Online Store Users Happy Not to Get Cameras
Central News Service, Cupertino, People's Republic of Apple
The Central News Service is reporting today that thousands of happy customers of the Apple Online Store are thrilled to not receive the Quicktake 200 cameras they ordered as part of an online propaganda campaign. Instead, the users are receiving VST Zip Drive modules for Powerbooks. "I am so thrilled to be getting this Zip module instead of my camera" says happy Apple customer Joe Schwatz. "Now I will not have to bother my loved ones by taking pictures. Instead I can use this glorious expansion bay module as a stylish paperweight next to my beautiful G3 Macintosh. I am so happy I think I will compose a song praising Chairman Jobs for this wonderful event!"
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